When we first met in the late days
of November, as we found ourselves in the same ward albeit being so much in
health, I couldn`t think of her as more than anything but a my old flame`s
acquaintance. The latter was diagnosed at the Aga Khan and it was just
customary for the caring me to make sure I heed on my duties to the fullest. Fast-forward
to New Years Eve, when I saw her again, this time with her mum, all that
lingers from that encounter is the radiant smile she produced shortly before
she was swallowed by the multitude in her bus terminal. A few weeks later, we
had our third impromptu meeting, this one wasn`t hasty. It was in my heavenly
abode. I was a bit tipsy, she made nervous. And in a drunken daze as we found
ourselves horizontal, I kissed her, and she kissed me back, and the rest is
history. Despite the irregularities that the alcohol-smitten mind can provide, I
can firmly say that it`s something I will ever regret, time has shown us the
other side of the bright future.
But since I suck, I wronged her
yesterday, by saying the wrong things at the wrong time, and as a result
subjected her to question our union. See, as much as we want to express what
bothers our minds, there exists a few rules regarding effective communication
that we ought to follow.
Communication is the number one way
in which we connect with each other and create relationships. We all want
to feel connected and related. We get this by feeling heard. And we want
to be heard in a way that supports us in our strength, not our weakness.
But it is unreasonable to expect the person that is listening to give us the
acceptance and compassion we desire when we deliver it on a plate full of drama
and self-judgment.
If you set up your communication
with a lot of drama and self-judgment, you are going to be perceived as
dramatic and judged. Then when you want reassurance and acceptance from others,
it is harder to get. We teach people how to hear us. If we consistently
communicate in a victimey way, we are perceived as a victim. On the
contrary, if we consistently communicate in an authentic way, we are giving
people the opportunity to see the Truth of who we are.
Consider your delivery method
whenever you communicate. There are the words you are saying and then
there is the energy your words are riding on, which is more impactful than the
actual words you are saying!
The other thing to consider around
your delivery method is when you are highly charged or upset about something.
In those moments you probably have something that feels really important to
communicate; however, if you communicate it on energy of anger, blame or
resentment, the other person is going to immediately get defensive. And
defensive ears are deaf ears. Save your words for after you get the
charged emotion out in some other way.
Which ultimately brings me to the
main aim of this post, to you my fair hearted lady- I am writing to say that I am sorry. I’m sorry because I
know what it’s like to feel deeply for someone who rarely sees the emotional
investment in that. I understand the unrelenting stirring in your stomach when you
get disappointed. The deceiving optimism when you think “maybe this time
they’ll realize what they really mean with their hurting words,” then feeling
so imprudent when it ends up being just like every other time. To think that
maybe minor changes will win their affection. To obsess over your shortcomings.
To want to change yourself at all for someone because you think having them
push your hair back and kiss your neck is worth it.
I know what it’s like to think about a person when you’re
alone in your bed knowing that if you could have anything it would be their
company and to feel the emptiness in the space next to you. To go to a place
you’ve never been with them before but it reminds you of them anyway because
you feel happy there. To go through scenarios in your head where everything
goes right, where you say all the right things and you can feel them loving you
back and the heavy sting when reality seems so far from that place. To think
about the people they have loved and wonder why somebody else deserves
something you want so badly. I know what it’s like to try to feel this way for
anyone else. To kiss somebody with the nicest smile but at the end of it it’s
not the one you want. You want the cynical one. I know exactly how it feels to
ache. To feel deprived. To feel stupid. To know they never think about you when
you can’t seem to stop picturing their face. I know what it’s like to think
being in love is the fucking worst. To hope for nonchalance. To wish you could
feel lightly. But it is not in our nature.
We are two people in love. We feel it heavily for each other. I love you and you love me, and everybody knows, or rather, should know. It is not meant to be any other way, and from my very being I am sorry for my actions the last couple of days.
We are two people in love. We feel it heavily for each other. I love you and you love me, and everybody knows, or rather, should know. It is not meant to be any other way, and from my very being I am sorry for my actions the last couple of days.
Love you Ladaiya Gomez ShiksRylan always and forever.
wow....so so heartfelt... i laud your writing dear, simple yet so succinct.
ReplyDeleteYou did something, not wrong nor right. You stirred up the "love" emotion in me. Reminded me that i think love is the worst thing that can ever happen! That article reminded me that my heart has a couple of scars that hurt so bad!! That i dont wanna ever be faithful, that there is nothing like being faithful, men are constantly polygamus, forever polygamus! ....... That article made me cry.
ReplyDeleteSharlene nyawira.
The world ought to know, not all of my kind are douchès
DeleteI won't lie, the article made me cry. It is wonderful; very lovely and I love it.
ReplyDeleteYes we have had rough patches but hey that's what make us stay strong.
I love you Allan Mwangi Melchowistz
Guess this is what they call mission accomplished?
DeleteAm glad it served the purpose.
This is a good piece of writing. It evokes emotions and memories, more real. Keeps the reader glued. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteam so glad it touched you, its one of those pieces i wrote out of a life happening. stay safe and keep reading
ReplyDeleteI cried while reading the eighth paragraph because I can totally relate. Excellent piece Allan. Bien fait monsieur!
ReplyDeleteI cried while reading the eighth paragraph because I can totally relate. Excellent piece Allan. Bien fait monsieur!
ReplyDeletenext time, kindly leave your name.
Deletegreat is an understatement .........
ReplyDeleteAllan, this is a masterpiece. I want to engrave this in my heart and give it to the one I heart. Totally resonate! The heart, and its reasons which reason knows nothing of.. Hmmmm
ReplyDelete