LET`S TALK ABOUT TRUST

Now I know some of you came here thinking that the post had something to do with latex, or other gutter related matters, but sorry to disappoint you, I speak not for the perverse, at least not anymore. So, at the end of last week, a close friend of mine came up to me seeking pointers on how to deal with her distress after the trust was broken, see, I was pegged back. Usually I`m not an expert at this cupid matters but her reason sort of won me over. She justified her plea by quoting my current status and well, my lovely friend, here are my two cents about the whole scenario.

Now my friend, whom we`re going to call Alma was betrayed by her boyfriend. Instead of walking out on him, she made it her goal in life to make him pay for it over and over again. Through subtle digs and less subtle slights, she repeatedly expressed that she felt contempt for him. But instead of forgiving him or walking away, she stayed behind a wall of resentment. And soon, he started responding in kind, until their relationship became a container for mutual silent bitterness. What was once a blissful union slowly turned into a couple sharing a suffocating space, overwhelmed by the weight of everything that never tasted their tongues.

I suppose some of us have gone through the same plight once or twice in our relationships, I know I have. Most of us would associate that feeling to a clinging of grievance, in those situations, we`ve felt agitated and indignant, and however hard we tried to forgive, we just couldn’t (not to all of us though).

Trust is not given, its earned, and to some people, trust is like virginity, once broken, its irreparable. No matter the kind of relationship, trust is an essential ingredient as it defines every interaction, builds intimacy and ultimately strengthens the bond in the relationship. Unfortunately people don’t always cherish trust the way that they should. Because it is often given freely at first thus easily taken for granted. Once trust is damaged it can spell doom for any couple and it can be very hard, if not impossible, to earn back.

Of course, it’s hard to forget when someone breaks your trust, especially if you fear it might be broken again, but holding onto doubt is a surefire way to suffer. Little hurts worse than the suspicion that someone else might hurt you. This isn’t the kind of thing you can just brush off through positive thinking. You can’t make yourself feel trusting by telling yourself you should be, or rationalizing away your feelings.

The true sense if the matter is that takes time and effort to trust again. It takes the courage to acknowledge how you feel and readiness or compliance from the other person to hear and honor it. It takes a mutual commitment to move beyond what happened instead of reliving and rehashing. But most importantly, it requires you to believe in the goodness and positive intentions of the person who hurt you.

This doesn’t auger well with the pessimists, to move on past this, you have to believe someone can treat you with respect and consideration—even if it takes you a while to get there—or else you’ll never let your guard down. That’s a painful place to be. The thing about being defensive is that everything becomes a battle, and no one ever wins. Of course this doesn’t mean we can ever know for certain that someone won’t hurt us again. The only way we can know if we’re able to trust someone is by first giving them trust.

However, Whether or not trust can ever be restored depends on how badly it was damaged and how much the spurned person feels betrayed. If you’ve had your trust betrayed then you know how hard it can be to let go, move on and fix the relationship. More often than not the burned person just wants to cut their losses and end the relationship, and who could blame them?

The best way to start the healing process is to acknowledge that there has been pain, betrayal and a loss of trust. Once the cards are on the table everybody will have a clearer picture of what they need to do to set things right.

The sad reality is that once trust has been damaged it can’t simply go back to the way it once was, no matter how much both parties may want it to. People who do not value trust enough to respect it in the first place more often than not continue that pattern in the future. This doesn’t mean that it is a waste of time trying to rebuild trust it just means that the new trust has to be different. Call it a more mature trust. While trusting a person who has hurt you isn’t impossible it will never be the same kind of wide-eyed trust we give to people when we first let them in. This is not really a bad thing even though it may seem like a loss. Seeing people for who they really are rather than through rose-colored lenses can be a healthy thing. So when you decide to try to give trust a second chance just know that you will be more sensitive to the prospect of another betrayal and forgive yourself if doubt seeps in without real reason.

And finally, I admit I have a penchant for writing long posts, so instead of draining your eyes, I’ll just share a link that summarizes everything. But to cap it all, here are a few questions that can help us put matters into perspective and help us make that final decision.

So, Alma, ask yourself, is your relationship worth the risk? , Is it worth feeling vulnerable? Is it worth forgiving? Is it worth letting go? And if it’s worth it, what would it look like to give trust, starting right now?