MY APOLOGETIC STANCE

When we first met in the late days of November, as we found ourselves in the same ward albeit being so much in health, I couldn`t think of her as more than anything but a my old flame`s acquaintance. The latter was diagnosed at the Aga Khan and it was just customary for the caring me to make sure I heed on my duties to the fullest. Fast-forward to New Years Eve, when I saw her again, this time with her mum, all that lingers from that encounter is the radiant smile she produced shortly before she was swallowed by the multitude in her bus terminal. A few weeks later, we had our third impromptu meeting, this one wasn`t hasty. It was in my heavenly abode. I was a bit tipsy, she made nervous. And in a drunken daze as we found ourselves horizontal, I kissed her, and she kissed me back, and the rest is history. Despite the irregularities that the alcohol-smitten mind can provide, I can firmly say that it`s something I will ever regret, time has shown us the other side of the bright future.

But since I suck, I wronged her yesterday, by saying the wrong things at the wrong time, and as a result subjected her to question our union. See, as much as we want to express what bothers our minds, there exists a few rules regarding effective communication that we ought to follow.

Communication is the number one way in which we connect with each other and create relationships.  We all want to feel connected and related. We get this by feeling heard.  And we want to be heard in a way that supports us in our strength, not our weakness.  But it is unreasonable to expect the person that is listening to give us the acceptance and compassion we desire when we deliver it on a plate full of drama and self-judgment.

If you set up your communication with a lot of drama and self-judgment, you are going to be perceived as dramatic and judged. Then when you want reassurance and acceptance from others, it is harder to get. We teach people how to hear us. If we consistently communicate in a victimey way, we are perceived as a victim.  On the contrary, if we consistently communicate in an authentic way, we are giving people the opportunity to see the Truth of who we are.

Consider your delivery method whenever you communicate.  There are the words you are saying and then there is the energy your words are riding on, which is more impactful than the actual words you are saying!

The other thing to consider around your delivery method is when you are highly charged or upset about something. In those moments you probably have something that feels really important to communicate; however, if you communicate it on energy of anger, blame or resentment, the other person is going to immediately get defensive.  And defensive ears are deaf ears.  Save your words for after you get the charged emotion out in some other way.

Which ultimately brings me to the main aim of this post, to you my fair hearted lady- I am writing to say that I am sorry. I’m sorry because I know what it’s like to feel deeply for someone who rarely sees the emotional investment in that. I understand the unrelenting stirring in your stomach when you get disappointed. The deceiving optimism when you think “maybe this time they’ll realize what they really mean with their hurting words,” then feeling so imprudent when it ends up being just like every other time. To think that maybe minor changes will win their affection. To obsess over your shortcomings. To want to change yourself at all for someone because you think having them push your hair back and kiss your neck is worth it.

          

            I know what it’s like to think about a person when you’re alone in your bed knowing that if you could have anything it would be their company and to feel the emptiness in the space next to you. To go to a place you’ve never been with them before but it reminds you of them anyway because you feel happy there. To go through scenarios in your head where everything goes right, where you say all the right things and you can feel them loving you back and the heavy sting when reality seems so far from that place. To think about the people they have loved and wonder why somebody else deserves something you want so badly. I know what it’s like to try to feel this way for anyone else. To kiss somebody with the nicest smile but at the end of it it’s not the one you want. You want the cynical one. I know exactly how it feels to ache. To feel deprived. To feel stupid. To know they never think about you when you can’t seem to stop picturing their face. I know what it’s like to think being in love is the fucking worst. To hope for nonchalance. To wish you could feel lightly. But it is not in our nature.

            We are two people in love. We feel it heavily for each other. I love you and you love me, and everybody knows, or rather, should know. It is not meant to be any other way, and from my very being I am sorry for my actions the last couple of days.

Love you Ladaiya Gomez ShiksRylan  always and forever.