Now I know some of you came here
thinking that the post had something to do with latex, or other gutter related
matters, but sorry to disappoint you, I speak not for the perverse, at least
not anymore. So, at the end of last week, a close friend of mine came up to me
seeking pointers on how to deal with her distress after the trust was broken,
see, I was pegged back. Usually I`m not an expert at this cupid matters but her
reason sort of won me over. She justified her plea by quoting my current status
and well, my lovely friend, here are my two cents about the whole scenario.
Now my friend, whom we`re going to call
Alma was betrayed by her boyfriend. Instead of walking out on him, she made it
her goal in life to make him pay for it over and over again. Through subtle
digs and less subtle slights, she repeatedly expressed that she felt contempt
for him. But instead of forgiving him or walking away, she stayed behind a wall
of resentment. And soon, he started responding in kind, until their
relationship became a container for mutual silent bitterness. What was once a
blissful union slowly turned into a couple sharing a suffocating space,
overwhelmed by the weight of everything that never tasted their tongues.
I suppose some of us have gone
through the same plight once or twice in our relationships, I know I have. Most
of us would associate that feeling to a clinging of grievance, in those
situations, we`ve felt agitated and indignant, and however hard we tried to
forgive, we just couldn’t (not to all of us though).
Trust is not given, its earned, and
to some people, trust is like virginity, once broken, its irreparable. No matter
the kind of relationship, trust is an essential ingredient as it defines every interaction,
builds intimacy and ultimately strengthens the bond in the relationship. Unfortunately
people don’t always cherish trust the way that they should. Because it is often
given freely at first thus easily taken for granted. Once trust is damaged it
can spell doom for any couple and it can be very hard, if not impossible, to
earn back.
Of course, it’s hard to forget when someone breaks
your trust, especially if you fear it might be broken again, but holding onto
doubt is a surefire way to suffer. Little hurts worse than the suspicion that
someone else might hurt you. This isn’t the kind of thing you can just brush
off through positive thinking. You can’t make yourself feel trusting by telling
yourself you should be, or rationalizing away your feelings.
The true sense if the matter is that takes time and
effort to trust again. It takes the courage to acknowledge how you feel and readiness
or compliance from the other person to hear and honor it. It takes a mutual commitment
to move beyond what happened instead of reliving and rehashing. But most
importantly, it requires you to believe in the goodness and positive intentions
of the person who hurt you.
This doesn’t auger well with the pessimists, to
move on past this, you have to believe someone can treat you with respect and
consideration—even if it takes you a while to get there—or else you’ll never
let your guard down. That’s a painful place to be. The thing about being
defensive is that everything becomes a battle, and no one ever wins. Of course
this doesn’t mean we can ever know for certain that someone won’t hurt us
again. The only way we can know if we’re able to trust someone is by first
giving them trust.
However, Whether or not trust can ever be restored
depends on how badly it was damaged and how much the spurned person feels betrayed.
If you’ve had your trust betrayed then you know how hard it can be to let go,
move on and fix the relationship. More often than not the burned person just
wants to cut their losses and end the relationship, and who could blame them?
The best way to start the healing
process is to acknowledge that there has been pain, betrayal and a loss of
trust. Once the cards are on the table everybody will have a clearer picture of
what they need to do to set things right.
The sad reality is that once trust
has been damaged it can’t simply go back to the way it once was, no matter how
much both parties may want it to. People who do not value trust enough to
respect it in the first place more often than not continue that pattern in the
future. This doesn’t mean that it is a waste of time trying to rebuild trust it
just means that the new trust has to be different. Call it a more mature trust.
While trusting a person who has hurt you isn’t impossible it will never be the
same kind of wide-eyed trust we give to people when we first let them in. This
is not really a bad thing even though it may seem like a loss. Seeing people
for who they really are rather than through rose-colored lenses can be a
healthy thing. So when you decide to try to give trust a second chance just
know that you will be more sensitive to the prospect of another betrayal and
forgive yourself if doubt seeps in without real reason.
And finally, I admit I have a
penchant for writing long posts, so instead of draining your eyes, I’ll just
share a link that summarizes everything. But to cap it all, here are a few
questions that can help us put matters into perspective and help us make that
final decision.
So, Alma, ask yourself, is your relationship worth
the risk? , Is it worth feeling vulnerable? Is it worth forgiving? Is it worth
letting go? And if it’s worth it, what would it look like to give trust,
starting right now?
Once again sweerie, you inspire me. deeply impressed and ...
ReplyDeleteam humbled dear. quite humbled.
DeleteI broke someone's trusts which according to them is very much unforgivable. This article is just beautiful yet choking because it captions my distress :(
ReplyDelete